Anxiety we need to talk;

It’s a conversation that we’ve been avoiding for a while and it’s time that we talked.

You make me want to not wake up, you make me stay awake all night tossing and turning trying to settle my complex mind, trying to disengage and not think about everything that has happened this week. You make me engage in reckless drinking because I know I can escape your grasp for the span of a few hours, until the alcohol disappears and I am left numb with your embrace waiting to take me back, and I always come back to you.

You make me cry in the shower when I am getting ready for University or work because I am so scared, unbelievably scared about walking into the automatic doors of a classroom or work place for the fear of everyone looking at me as if I am a subject under a microscope open for your viewing pleasure. Anxiety you make me clench my fists when I am alone trying to process everything that is going on during the day.

You make me clench my fists so so tight like I am trying to activate a hidden superpower, but I know that that superpower is never coming but I keep clenching for it’s a momentary distraction from the over powering noise that surrounds me.

Anxiety you make me feel like every single cell in my body is trying to divide, you cause me to shake uncontrollable and feel like the room is crashing down around me. Anxiety You force me to stay in a confined space a safe place if you like, you make me sit in my car for what feels like hours. Slowly but with no doubt you drain my confidence that took me so long to muster, confidence to walk into a shopping centre and buy food, confidence to tell someone they look pretty, answer my phone.

YOU just take it all away as if you are collecting on debts.

I want this to be gone Anxiety, I want a divorce, I don’t want you to creep into my thoughts late at night and cause me to toss and shake at night. I don’t want you to be my drinking encouragement, I don’t want you to be my confidence collector, I don’t want to be your experiment. I am sick of you stopping me from being me, I am sick of you limiting my options as if life was a menu and you’re decide what is on offer today.

Anxiety you make my eyes swell with tears and discomfort, you make me feel like I have nothing left inside, like I am nothing. You make my mind feel like I am map with no directions a blank representation of what I could be, like I am searching around and around for the now and myself.

I am tired, so tired of it all and I am so scared that one day you will win for good and I won’t have to fight you everyday.

Things might get better but until then I just want one good night, one good night that doesn’t result in me falling apart before I fall asleep.

Anxiety we need to talk.

Cal

Callum Gordon