Emotions are a curse that destroy you

I once read a quote that said “It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply” I can 100% agree with the cursed part, see it’s hard for me a 20 something creative type who ultimately sees the best in everyone.

I often am hurt emotionally and feel like I’ve been spread thin. To say that life is bad for someone like me would be an insult to those in harder circumstances, I mean sure I am loved by a few, have shelter, and have a religious belief that sees someone always watching over me. But to put it simply; I’m not emotionally happy, I feel things so emotionally and take things to my heart, things that shouldn’t affect me but they do, they build up and up until I feel nothing.

I guess what I’m trying to describe is that no matter how well you’ve think you have it together, you never really do. I love so many people and for some reason having that much love has left me unloving of myself.

I don’t think I love myself, or no one actually really loves me, I care so deeply for everyone that I feel like I’m often an after thought.I feel like that place that you’ve always said you’ll have coffee at but you never do because you know it will always be there.

This empty feeling fills me up and consumes me on so many nights that I can barely stand it, which turns into wanting to do something spontaneous or have a new experience which makes me feel worse the next day.

Feeling deeply is more of a curse than a blessing, you give so much of your self and become so attached to certain people. Deep down you want these people to mirror your love and for them to just see how much they you love them, I guess i imagine different scenarios with them;

” all that it, all that was, all that could be”.

I often reflect when I am waiting for customers to come up to my counter at my 9-5 retail job, during these hours I contemplate who I am as a person and I KNOW that I have choices to make in the next few months that will ultimately  cement who I am as a person and what I am judged for in society based on my choices.

So I guess I’ll end it by saying; I’m tired, I’m emotionally drained and this void just consumes me but I still keep loving and loving and loving.

I just want to be loved I guess:

Callum Gordon